On Academics

…An Idiot Speaks.

I’m not a Cretin, though I know since birth that I’m an Idiot. Because everyone calls me Idiot. Initially I thought it was my nickname, a noun. But then I came to know that it is an adjective to my intellect. So be it.

Recently I heard this brand new word that is getting repeated in our WhatsApp group. Academic. I didn’t know what does it mean. So I went to the learned one and asked,

– “Who is an academic ?.”

– “You can’t understand, because you are a Non-Academic and you are an Idiot.”

– “That I know since my birth. No need to remind me what I know. But if you can’t explain it to an Idiot, then why do you call yourself the learned one ?”

…

– “Look, Academic means Attending Conference.” He said with a sweeping gesture. “You know I am organizing a Conference which is 100% academic.”

– “Congratulations.” Said I extending my hand.

He shrank from the handshake. Social distancing. Quickly I added,

“ Ok. That means, You are an academic. Since, you are able to organise this huge big conference.” said I.

He was visibly happy, though he drew up a long face and said with as much humility as he can cram into his broad smile,

– “Naa bhai, it is just a CME.” But his grin has widened from ear to ear. “We just have 3 academic sessions. That’s all.”

Wah. You must be discussing academics and academics only all of the two days.”

– “Pneumococcus you know the biggest preventable childhood killer. We are having two lectures on it.”

– “But are not these pneumococcal vaccines pretty old shots ? Today, more people are lecturing on this vaccine than prescribing.”

– “There is always a new dimensions to add to the existing knowledge.”

– “I thought Diarrhoea, Malnutrition and Tuberculosis are also big child killers.”

-“Ah! Yes, they are. We also have two lectures on pre and pro biotic for diarrhoea and a probiotics for the hyperactive kids.”

– “Are these topics Academic or Phacademic ?”

– “Ok, You are partially correct. These drug monograms have opened up a whole new academic discipline : The PharmAcademics. They concentrate only on one single brand. After all, our practitioners want to know more and more about these things directly from their manufacturers. So, We are but forced to include them. Don’t you ?”

– “No. I am a strict Non practitioner. I stick to the Generic names only.”

He sipped his drinks long and hard.

– “ But you must agree that brands do matter. There is this bio availability issue with inferior products. Don’t you ?”

I surrendered.

…

After the second glass, he loosened up a bit and gave me his Gyan:

– “In this conference, we have three sessions in total.

• Academic
• Pharm-Academic.
• Non- Academic

In that order of importance.

To start with, we have crammed all book fundas in to the early morning session.”

– ” How early ?”

– “We have to start at 7.30 am sharp. So many speakers you know. Everyone wants to speak. Very few wants to listen these days.”

– “But your outstation delegates may not be ready so early.”

– “Yah, that is a stumbling block. Of course, they know that they are getting a digital copy of all the sessions in their mail. So they need not attend any talk at all.”  

– “But we still believe in the Gurukul system of learning. Knowledge is shared only in the Brahmo Muhurtam. Given an opportunity, I will put all these Padhai, Badhai to 4 am. My father used to wake me up before Sunrise to memorise the multiplication tables and sanskrit Shabda Rupa. I still remember them. You know early to rise…”

 -” And again for the outstation delegates we have reserved all the prime time with plenty of drug monograms. From 11  to 1 pm.

– “These are sponsored sessions”. I said.

 Actually most of them- out station delegates have come to escape their hectic routine to relax and net-work, to sip their coffee and do some sight seeing. It is vacation time for their kids and shopping time for their spouses.”

“Ok, now that I understand your academic funda. What is this Non academic part ?”

-” These are the mandatory part of any conference. We have two constitutional items: the Inauguration and the Valediction. Do you know, we have roped in the Governor for the Inauguration and the health minister for the closing ceremony this time.”

-” Why did you leave the Chief Minister.”

– “No, No it is risky and has very little dividend.”

Then we have the GB to select our next meeting and future office bearers. Besides we have the Lunch and Dinners which are active sessions of Net working. You see Networking is the most important life support these days. In fact, most of our veterans have an obsession with these Non academic sessions, lest they would miss some important new connections.

Then there is the eternal glue of Banquet and the liquid nourishments. You see a lot of confusions are washed away with strong acids.

 He kept his voice low and matter of fact,

– ” All our seniors are drawn to the Non academic parts. Our student delegates are excited by the Posters and Quizzes they have come to participate.. Otherwise they join to clap at their teachers discourses. Rest of the delegates want the digital copy to be delivered to their mail id. In this digital ages, when everything is available in the cloud, who spends time in physical sessions. It is the get together that matters not the topics.

– “How many conferences have you attended in your long career ? How much academics do you remember from them ?”

As he finished his glass, “ You are partially correct. I have attended hundred conferences in my 30 years. But I hardly remember any of those medical topics discussed in these hundred conferences.. The Calcutta conference I remember, because they have got Abhijeet on stage and of course Hilsa fish. Abhijeet was my favourite in those days. And you must agree that nobody can cook Hilsa with mustard better than a Bengali. The Jaipur conference I remember because they fought like dogs and cats in the GB. As regards knowledge added, wait a second. I remember the Bangalore conference. It was early days of steroid inhalation therapy. I attended their Asthma by Consensus session. I am still following the steps I had learnt there. It is not correct that you don’t learn anything in these mega conferences.”

“But, I presume there is no restrictions on academics in your conference.”

– “Academics and sharing of clinical experience is our motto. We have asked the Pharma giants to share their clinical experience. And we include at least 2 members on the Dias as chairs and 4 off the Dias to ask questions during each topic. This ensures that the theatre does not look empty.”

-“Thank you sir.” I  joined my palms in respect, “Wishing you all the very best for your academic bonanza.”

As he swirled the delicate Cut glass with practised ease between his nimble fingers, he had the broadest smile of contentment framed below his thick moustache , a huge big grin.

I paid my obeisance and left.

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